The worst love song lyrics of all time

14 February 2023, 14:48 | Updated: 12 February 2024, 12:25

Anthony Kiedis of Red Hot ChilI Peppers
Anthony Kiedis of Red Hot ChilI Peppers. Picture: Gie Knaeps/Getty Images

Sometimes the course of true love doesn't always go to plan. Especially if you use any of these perplexing and occasionally nauseating lyrics on your Valentine's card...

Love is in the air... with Valentine's Day upon us, we're expecting a lot of loving playlists to be compiled to show how much you care. For the sake of your relationship, DON'T include any of these sleazy, odd, laughable or just plain bizarre songs...

  1. "K-i-s-s-i-n-g / Chicka chicka dee / Do me like a banshee / Low brow is how / Swimming in the sound / Of bow wow wow / Aw, baby, do me now / Do me here I do allow."

    Red Hot Chili Peppers - Suck My Kiss. Classic Kiedis.

    Red Hot Chili Peppers - Suck My Kiss [Official Music Video]

  2. "And I met a girl / She asked me my name / I told her what it was."

    Razorlight - Somewhere Else. Meanwhile, over at the Johnny Borrell Charm School: how to make a great first impression.

    Razorlight - Somewhere Else

  3. "No matter where I roam / I will return to my English Rose / For no bonds / Can ever tempt me from she."

    The Jam - English Rose. Paul Weller almost sinks this lovely song with some terrible grammar.

    The Jam - English Rose (1978)

  4. “I did it all for the nookie / The nookie / So you can take that cookie and stick it up your yeah / Stick it up your yeah."

    Limp Bizkit - Nookie. You stay away from my "yeah", Fred Durst!

    Limp Bizkit - Nookie (Official Video)

  5. "Love - the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket."

    Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch. We could have put the whole lyric in there, to be honest.

    Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch (Official Video)

  6. "She may contain the urge to run away / But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks."

    Alt-J - Breezeblocks. Why you shouldn't go on a date with Alt-J.

    alt-J (∆) Breezeblocks

  7. "There were times when I could have strangled her / But you know I would hate anything to happen to her."

    The Smiths - Girlfriend in a Coma. Make your mind up, Moz. Kitchen sink drama goes a step too far.

    The Smiths - Girlfriend In A Coma (Official Music Video)

  8. "Touching you, touching me / touching you, God you're touching me."

    The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love. Alright! We get the picture, Justin.

    The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love (Official Music Video)

  9. "I've had relations with girls from many nations / I've made passes at women of all classes."

    Billy Bragg - Sexuality. Bragg by name, brag by nature, eh Billy?

    Billy Bragg - Sexuality video

  10. "Let me put my love into you babe / Let me cut your cake with my knife."

    AC/DC - Let Me Put My Love Into You. From brutal image to coy metaphor in one line - that's the grubby genius of Acca Dacca.

    AC/DC - Let Me Put My Love Into You (Official Music Video)

  11. "Honey, I miss your two tone kisses / Legs wrapped around me tight / If I ever get back to New York, girl / Gonna make you scream all night."

    The Rolling Stones - Star Star. The 1970s were definitely a different country - and this is one of the cleaner lines from "Sir" Mick in this song.

    Star Star (Remastered)