Alan Partridge's best quotes and words of wisdom
7 September 2020, 18:17 | Updated: 7 September 2020, 21:01
Following the news that Steve Coogan is set to embark on an Alan Partridge tour, we take a look at some of the character's most hilarious one-liners.
Steve Coogan teased that he’ll be embarking on a live Alan Partridge tour, telling Digital Spy: "I'm gonna do a live show in a couple of years".
He added: "I wanna go out on the road and do a Ted Robbins-style, Alan helping people sort their lives out."
We don't know exactly when it's coming, but one thing we can probably guarantee is that when the tour comes it will probably be full of some real corkers.
Get our rundown of some of the best quotes from Alan Partridge... and remember... his views are not Steve Coogan's... and most certainly are NOT our own!
“My face was designed as a leisure accessory.”
- When talking about his appearance
“Smell my cheese!”
- After getting the sack
“Tough one! I think I’d have to say… ‘The Best Of The Beatles’.”
- When asked which Beatles album is his favourite.
“I find it amazing how many people still think the petrol cap on a Ford Focus is offside rear.”
- His thoughts on the humble Ford Focus
“I’m 47; my girlfriend’s 33. she’s 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!”
- His thoughts on his relationship age-gap with his girlfriend Sonja
“You’ve got to laugh when you fall off a sofa.”
- After falling off a sofa
“That was ‘Big Yellow Taxi’ by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains they ‘Paved paradise to put up a parking lot’, a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise, something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn’t quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song.”
- His interesting take on one of Joni Mitchell's most iconic songs
“Lynn, get rid of her. She’s a drunk racist. I’ll tolerate one, but not both.”
- Explaining what he couldn't possibly tolerate in one person
“Let me tell you something about the Titanic: people forget that on the Titanic’s maiden voyage there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg.”
- Giving his somewhat optimistic interpretation of the Titanic disaster
“‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn’t it?”
- His cringeworthy understanding of the the famous U2 song about the Troubles in Northern Ireland.
“There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady’s part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent.”
- His thoughts on street art
“No, I don’t smoke. I’m one of the anti-cancer set. We’re a dying breed. Well, we’re not, you are. I don’t mean you’ve got cancer. Maybe you have.”
- His thoughts on being a non-smoker
“I’d just like to fly a helicopter all around Norfolk. You know, swoop down over a field. Scare a donkey so that it falls into a river. Hover over one of those annoying families that go on holidays on bikes. And shout at them “get out of the area!” and watch them panic!”
- His deepest desires about riding a Apace helicopter
Watch the trailer for The Alan Partridge podcast: